Summer Entertainment Report Card
By Jenna Bordelon
BURBANK, Calif. (August 9, 2006) — As summer?s beach parties, barbeques, and orangey tans slowly fade away, Access Hollywood has decided to mail out our Summer Entertainment Report Card!
Since the summer quarter is almost over, we?ve prepared a progress report of sorts — we’re handing out the ?A?s,? ?C?s? and ?Needs To Do Better? grades to an assortment of celebrities and their summer work.
With the large amount of break-ups, hook-ups and arrests this summer, the stars have either sat up straight in class with their little hands raised, or ended up in detention. But mostly, there were a LOT of success stories.
The “A’s”: In no particular order, these stars should be going to the college of their choice:
Brad, Angelina & Shiloh: Giving the money from Shiloh?s first baby photo to charity was an “A+” move from the summer’s ?Coolest Couple.?
Heidi Klum / “Project Runway”: With the 3rd season of her hit show on Bravo earning its highest-ratings ever and a new baby on the way with husband Seal, this blonde beauty is one of the smartest in her class.
Lance Bass: A true braveheart, alas, is hard to find, but N?SYNC?s Lance Bass is one of a kind. His courage in coming out of the closet on the cover of PEOPLE earns a gold star.
“America?s Got Talent,” Regis and The Hoff: The NBC talent-fest may hinge on the dynamic charisma of host-with-the-most, Regis Philbin, but it?s the Hoff? the Hoff!!!!… who kept America watching, making “Talent” the highest-rated new show of summer.
Pam Anderson: As the sexiest cheerleader on the team, Pam may have confused us all with her one? Two? Three? However many! weddings to Kid Rock. Even over on the shores of St. Tropez, she still knows how to rock the boat.
Nicole & Keith: The acting/singing wonders from Down Under got hitched and didn?t have to fake a wedding to do it!
Nick Lachey: With a hit record full of tender, honest feelings about ex, Jessica Simpson, Nick might just be the Most Popular male heartthrob.
“Pirates of the Caribbean” / “The Da Vinci Code” / “Cars” / “The Devil Wears Prada” / “X-Men: The Last Stand” / & “The Break-Up”: Five reasons that saved this summer’s box office.
Gnarls Barkley: With their hit song, ?Crazy,? and their great costume sense (they’ve dressed up like the characters from ?Star Wars? and ?The Wizard of Oz?) Danger Mouse and Cee-Lo, aka Gnarls Barkley, made being the Class Clowns, a good idea.
Fergie: Going solo has given this tasty Black-Eyed Pea the biggest hit (?London Bridge?) of her career so far. Looks like all that time spent on TV?s ?Kids Incorporated? in the 80s have finally paid off.
Nelly Furtado: With her album, ?Loose,? and single, “Promiscuous,” burning up the charts, Nelly has gone from student to teacher.
Rhianna: As her album, ?A Girl Like Me,? goes platinum, this Barbados born beauty hits all the right notes. We?d give her the lead in our class musical.
Christina Aguilera: This brilliant vocalist has cemented her rep with her new ?Back to Basics? album (out next week). We want her to sing the National Anthem at our homecoming game!
“High School Musical” kids: They can put on a musical at the school of Access anytime.
The guys from ?Entourage?: We give these HBO bad boys a collective A+ despite the fact that you might catch them sneaking a smoke during study hall.
Katie Couric: She moved on from the ?Today? show for all of the right reasons. But thankfully, Katie is just taking a little break before becoming Class President on the “CBS Evening News.”
?So You Think You Can Dance?: As the TV dance-off pirouettes out of our lives with a two-part season finale starting Wednesday, we wish those dancing kids well… Sniff… It?s just like ?Fame.?
The C’s: These folks had decent summers, but could use some help getting ready for the fall:
Paris Hilton: Yes, believe it or not, her first single is doing much better than most folks expected, but with her announcement that she will only go to first base from now on (for a year!) — it felt like the equivalent of ?the dog ate my homework.?
Tori Spelling: Though she kept her sense of humor, Tori?s battle with her Mom over late father’s estate came across as so ?Beverly Hills 90210.?
Jessica Simpson: Although Nick is looking like the most popular boy right now, don?t count Jessica out yet. Her new album, ?A Public Affair,? is about to drop and could make the grade.
Janet Jackson: Janet?s single hasn?t hit the top of the charts yet, but with her sexy new look and in love attitude, this pop star should be strolling to the head of the class soon.
Dixie Chicks: The Chicks have had to cancel some shows due to slow ticket sales, but they?ve added others and we?d still pick them as our band at any school dance.
Madonna: The church may not be happy with the Material Girl but the fans don?t have a problem, as her shows are selling out. Still her last two singles haven’t seen much radio play or registered with the “TRL” crowd. But isn’t she eternally still Most Likely To Succeed and Succeed and Succeed?
Christie Brinkley: The top model may have a player for a husband --Peter Cook, who cheated on her with a 19-year-old — but we think she’ll bounce back. We await her first public statement about the incident.
How About Our ?Better Luck Next Summers”?:
Peter Cook: Well, Christie Brinkley?s ex had a kind of embarrassing summer really — not much he can do to get a passing grade.
Lindsay Lohan: She collapses from ?overheating.? She’s late to the set. She’s chastised by a studio executive. Her summer movie, “Just My Luck,” bombed with “just” $17 million. If Lindsay doesn?t take care of herself, she?ll be sent permanently to the nurse?s office.
Mel Gibson: This Aussie?s anti-Semitic remarks got him sent to the principal?s office.
The Emmy nomination process: The new system for picking Emmy nominees appeared about as accurate as standardized testing, after ?Desperate Housewives? and ?Lost? failed to garner noms, and Ellen Burstyn (admittedly, a wonderful actress) got a nod for 14 seconds of screen time.
Daniel Baldwin & Haley Joel Osment: These actors both crashed their cars this summer, just like that boy in high school your Dad didn?t want you to date.
“Lady In The Water” / “Poseidon”: Two reasons why “hubris,” as the Greek scholars may say, is a tragic quality.
The Wilsons (Owen & Luke): ?You, Me & Dupree? and ?My Super Ex-Girlfriend? didn’t make the box office grade this summer, but these endearing brothers are sure to make a comeback.
ABC Summer Programming (“The One” & “One Ocean View”): “The One? was canceled after two outings due to poor ratings. ?One Ocean View” is like the ?Real World? with too many characters. Where was this summer’s “Dancing With The Stars”?
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