Top Ten ‘Simon’isms’ of ‘Idol’ 2008’s Pre-Season

It seems poor Simon is losing his magic “mean” touch. During this season of auditions he seemed way less cranky. I lost count of how many times he told people ‘I like you” before sending them packing. Was it all creative editing? Did the producers tone down cranky Simon of yore? I guess we will never know. He was, however, not without a few zingers this year. Here is my list of my top ten favorite Simon-isms from the cross-country auditions.

10. “My pen has got more charisma.”
Said to 20-year-old Auburn, Alabama boy J.P. Tjelmeland who tried his luck auditioning for a second time. Two seasons ago, he was sitting two seats away from Carrie Underwood. Unfortunately, none of her star power rubbed off on him when he auditioned in Atlanta this season with “Me and My Gang” by Rascal Flatts.

9. “This is like something out of a Science Fiction movie.”
Poor Jared Wiley from Louisville, Kentucky just couldn’t impress Simon with his strangely high-pitched female sounding vocals when he auditioned in Atlanta.

8. “It was a very disturbing slightly demonic audition.”
Kyle Reinneck creeped Simon out with his guy liner, bad tan and scary version of Kelly Clarkson’s angry revenge song, “Never Again.” Simon added further insult by telling him he does something “weird with his face” and his eyes are “menacing” when he sings. The kids who know this 20-year-old camp counselor probably ‘get him’ better than old man Simon.

7. “The Only resemblance to Mariah would be her CD left out in the sun for a year and then trying to play it.”
20-year-old Valerie Reyes idolizes Mariah Carey, and unfortunately, tried to mimic her famous high pitched tone in her San Diego audition earning her this remark and a spot among the rejects.

6. “You have something he hasn’t got. Warmth and a personality.”
A playful dis to Randy Jackson in Omaha, Nebraska when 24 year old Chris Bernheisel mangled Kelly Clarkson’s “Since You’ve Been Gone” in his audition. Simon liked his outgoing personality so much that he told him that the local Fox affiliate should hire him to cover the “Idol” finale red carpet.

5. “That must have cleared your hiccups.”
Little did Paula Abdul know that when she contracted hiccups during the Omaha auditions that Johnny Escamilla with his toe-tapping, arm flapping rendition of “Shout,” would be the cure.

4. “Does he have a returns policy?”
When Tiffany McCampbell from Anderson, Indiana told Simon her voice came from God – then tortured our ears with the gospel song “Hallelujah” – he wondered whether she had kept the receipt.

3. “It was excruciating. Even your dog is struggling to get out of the room.”
19-year-old Ashley Lawing landed herself a pair of sexy twin brothers and this zinger from Simon on The Best of the Rest show when she brought her six-week-old Pomeranian puppy, Panda, to the audition. Inside, she mangled Kellie Pickler’s “Red High Heels,” while outside, her twin boyfriends admitted even they knew she couldn’t sing.

2. “Keep your batteries in your calculator, that’s my advice.”
Simon called 28-year-old Udgeet “Udi” Sampat, who does financial work for an automotive company in Philadelphia, “completely tuneless” when he belted out Frank Sinatra’s “My Way.” Adding insult to injury – when questioned whether or not he thought he had a chance in hell of winning, Udi replied “Yes,” to which Simon called him “nuts.”

1. “I don’t think you are as good as you think you are”
Simon’s new favorite compli-dis — uttered several times this year at the auditions to people he was so-so on — but who were ultimately put through to Hollywood — including belching girl, Shannon McGough, and Dallas auditioner, Alaina Whitaker, who bears a striking resemblance to Carrie Underwood.

Also uttered to sixteen-year-old Amy Catherine Flynn, the girl who preaches abstinence through STARS, Students Teaching And Respecting Sexuality. Simon had it right on the money when he told her, ”A lot of people are going to find you annoying Amy.”

True. So so true.